My first born

Trying out a little poetry inspired by my blessings:

From the moment I knew you were there, I felt our connection,

I wanted to give you everything, you were the object of my affection,

Watching you grow has been a journey we share, some nights when you’re asleep I just stop and stare,

You light up my life day in and day out, when we’re apart not a minute passes that I don’t worry about,

Your future, your safety, your education and well being, you’ve given my life new meaning,

Having a son is truly a blessing from above, how can I not fill your days with pure love,

Your stubborn traits and personality mimic mine, which sometimes puts you in situations that are not fine,

I pray only for your happiness, health and a family for you too one day, but until then our home is yours and will be forever when you come to stay,

There’s still so much I need to teach you and show you, together new journeys we will do,

You are kind and gentle to all you meet big or small, I will be here always when you fall,

I encourage you to be true to who are, and I promise you this your humbleness will take you far,

These moments I’ll cherish forever in my heart, as you have been my TRUE love straight from the very start.

Warm wishes xx

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Mommy guilt

From the day I found out I was pregnant there was this ” Mommy guilt ” I started to feel. This feeling of never being good enough or feeling you’re not doing enough to be the best you can be.

It never goes away.

Now years on this Mommy guilt just gets worse.

Taking the stress out of my everyday should mean that my patience jar should be absolutely empty, right? And I should never feel guilty as I should always be happy and patient ?? Nope !

Well being a mom is not that easy, sometimes I guess we forget that we are human too.

Best time of day waking my children up and seeing them surface in the early morning, nothing better than waking my babies up with a hug, kiss and plan to be the best mom I can be that day.

Forgetting the day before and starting fresh.

Next best part is fetching my children from school. This has always been my favourite time of day. Seeing them playing in the playground and noticing their Mommy is here to fetch them, not late and not stressed, ready for an afternoon together is what I’ve always prayed to be able to do. The relief I feel when I’m able to do this is amazing. The worst fear I have is not being there for my children when they expect me or think it’s me they’re going to see and it’s not. That is why I strive to make sure their little hearts are secure in knowing it will be me they see when it’s time to go.

Once our afternoons are in motion obviously the normal stresses of the day creep in. The siblings have their love/hate relationship and slowly you can feel yourself about to loose it.

This is not the mom I want to be. That is why I am giving myself so much time so when these moments arise I’m able to cope without throwing my toys out the cot too. Easier said than done.

Although 100 hundred times better from when I was a full time working mom I still tend to loose my marbles at times. This is what I am now working on each day.

There are ways and means of handling a situation without your kids thinking their mom needs the nut house.

There have been many not proud Mommy moments in the past which I have learnt from. I had so much guilt from not Being there for my children that now that I am surely all else will/ should fall into place. I really do think slowly this is happening or my children are getting older or we just learn how to handle situations better ?

Whichever it is I’m striving for going to bed with a clear happy and proud conscience. The mom they’ve always needed me to be.

I do believe every Mommy is human and we all have our faults, that is also why I play no judgement to the way other moms do things but I Also believe our children are our replicas and for them to be productive adults one day they can only learn from us.

So when I watch my child sleeping in my arms and this horrid Mommy guilt from the day has creeped over I also know that I’m only doing my best and that tom I will try harder, not only by being the best example I can for my children but I have a responsibility to raise polite and well rounded children not just now but for one day when they’re on their own starting their lives I know I’ve done all I can to give them the tools and building blocks to achieve their true potential and to be the best human being they can be.

I’m teaching my children to be Humble, Strong, Educated and overall a beautiful person inside and out making them believe that nothing is out of reach and mountains are to be climbed, with the confidence in knowing when they fall ill be right there to get them up again and start over.

This I feel is our job as mothers to build our children up to attainable goals physically and emotionally showing them how to create their life’s journey and to walk the path a few steps behind them.

If i get this right I know that “Mommy guilt” will be at bay and other worries can take over.

I know being a mom we will never be satisfied and truly our job is never done but this is what I signed up for and what brings me joy and heart ache at the same time. I know there’s so much to still come and so much to still learn and so so much to remember and cherish !!

Truly the most amazing gift God can give so mommy guilt I’ll have any day if it means having my children and I’d do it over and over again.

My job is not to be their friend but to show them what a friend can be.

And most importantly not to be hard on oneself about the mistakes as there will always be it’s how we learn to keep our guilt at bay by learning from previous situations to make the future ones smooth sailing…..

Warm wishes to all the beautiful mommies out there.

Decisions

As any family when it comes to those big decisions it must be a joint effort.

Deciding to say goodbye to my 15 years of teaching and starting life as a mom I must say was the biggest one our family has ever made.

When making this decision even though it being the toughest one yet and one I was quite not ready for at this point I had come to peace with it.

Opportunities started to fly in all over, wow I actually was wanted. But remembering why I decided to try start something from home needed to be my reminder. Actually just being able to be there for my children in any situation is actually why we made this choice and should be the center of any thoughts going forward.

I really do wish there was a crystal ball which we could ask questions into and it told us wether we were going the right way or not.

Financially starting a new job would benefit our family as well as keeping me busy and stimulated. But going back into the same arena I can’t. Something just doesn’t feel right. It may be the only thing I know but maybe that is what got me complacent to begin with.

I need to start working smart and think out of the box and give myself peace of mind that the reasons I’d be doing this is for my children. As already I know there is no perfect job out there but doing what works for our family is where I’m headed.

Taking up a new course might be on the horizon for the new year. But stressing myself out on what if’s is not going to get me anywhere.

I’ve decided to give myself the year to find out what it is my family needs as well as myself. Taking this time not to jump into something so soon as I’m free and giving myself this time to grow emotionally, as well as becoming a better mom, wife and person all round.

Trusting once again in the universe that this is where I’m meant to be and that my path is being paved I am once again confident in this. I know the same equal opportunities will come up, the right ones that suit us all.

Just like finding a home, or school for my children I’ll know it’s right when it comes along.

Obviously trying to also be my own boss and to start something I enjoy from my home would be ideal and this is where my thought process will be going.

Turning down recent opportunities with humility is what I’ll be doing. At times it’s like everything happens all at once or nothing at all. But by giving yourself time is ok.

I will embark on my own physical journey to bettering myself this week and I know a lot more becomes clearer when you are happy inside and out about yourself.

I feel being true to your family and who you are is what is needed to guide you and hopefully the rest falls into place. Putting my journey back into the hands of Angels I’m happy, confident and positive this is the way to go.

Sometimes it might not be what you thought you would be doing with your life, but one thing I’ve realized is happiness is key. Being happy and fulfilled in your work is just as important as being happy in your home and I do believe it is possible.

……. the journey once again continues ……..

Xxxxx warm wishes

Suicide hour

So this is one for all my fellow mommies,

Please tell me I’m not alone in the fight against suicide hour/s.

So when our children are born and as tiny as can be they cry. Right? All babies cry! This uncontrolled crying has been labeled as colic- the direct definition is a baby crying for an amount of hours for no particular reason. As moms we accept this and realize it will one day stop, but does it ? Or is this phenomenon only now disguising itself as something else, and we continue to just give excuses for it. “She must be hungry”

“He might be getting sick”

“Mabey they’re just tired”

At toddler age especially after the age of 5 they can tell you what they are feeling but sometimes they actually just don’t know why?

This we now label as a tantrum!

Ok so we leave them to get over themselves because they cannot get their own way or they’ve gotten upset over something.

Funny how this all usually is most prevalent in the evenings. Just as mom and dad want to get the evening tasks done, homework, bathing, cooking and cleaning up our toddler throws a spanner in the works.

This hour or more before and after bath time when this usually happens is called suicide hour.

No better way to put it. So you pick your munchkin up from school been told about their happy day and how clever they are even accompanied are pictures of your little “angel” smiling and loving life. Wow “what a lovely day you had” you say. The first answer I usually get is “hi Mommy where are we going, can we go to the shop,” and one simple no has started off a string of tantrums in a row. ” “you’ve played all day honey it’s now time to calm down make dinner bath and relax early in bed for another beautiful day”

Omg if only it were that simple??

So our evening usually takes that dreaded turn before bath time,

Begging them to get in, begging them to get out, then begging them to get dressed, more so for my toddler trying to get her to hold still while I dress her.

Once we’ve accomplished that it can be touch and go from here.

“Mom I’m hungry” but at this point we’ve just had dinner cleaned up brushed teeth! ” no angel we’ve eaten already it’s now wind down time” well you can just imagine how well that goes down.

So we are nearly there all this crying surely should make one quite tired right, so not? So now bed time approaches and it’s another act of tears and dramatic efforts to beg mom to add another 5 mins before they need to sleep time. Nope consistency is key so it’s off to bed.

After the bathroom trip a couple of times, the changing of stories a million times, the thousand prayers and water drinking, the lights go off !

A good 15-30 if Lucky it’s complete silence and negotiations wait for a new day.

Wow someone give me a high five we made it!!

That’s how I feel every evening, but setting all these little obstacles aside there is nothing more rewarding and priceless than watching your own baby fast asleep just like an angel, calm, beautiful and asleep!! Luckily for me suicide hour is over! Generally my kids are good sleepers we have our nights of musical beds and I’ve heard stories from friends of kids who are up continuously during the night, but for us it’s now mommies time and this is when I spend my time reflecting on what I could do better the next day.

What can I improve on not only as a mom but as a wife, friend and person.

Life has many many curve balls it throws at us and we may even not know how to dodge them all the time but it’s how we handle the process and then learn from it that truly counts.

Motherhood and parenthood is not for sissies but wouldn’t have it any other way.

Warm wishes all XX

Moving forward

A better you

The only way to move forward and upward is to gain peace and closure from your past experiences.

Most of us cannot get closure which makes us bitter and twisted and this is what stops the growth within.

By accepting the way the things are and to gain the confidence to know that’s not the way things will be is the only way to move forward and upward.

Leave negativity behind and concentrate on what lies ahead.

If you put all your energy into the things you can change, into the things that are ahead of you and into the people who really love you, wonderful things could happen.

Leave those who wish to hurt you behind. Those who remark behind your back, those who whisper about you, those who actually don’t matter way behind cause that’s exactly where they will forever be: behind you !!

Feed your soul with genuine people, people who only care for your well being, those who carry no jealousy or envy for you, these people will help you grow outside and within.

Mature beginnings are upon you when you surround yourself with positivity and those who inspire you. Think love, light, health and happiness and surely wealth, joy, peace, determination and growth will follow.

Enlighten your spirit with the fruitfulness of life and you’ll be pleasantly surprised what may be in store.

Follow your heart it knows the way.

warm wishes xx

Faces

It’s so funny how time can change people around you even if it’s that tiny amount.

How circumstances change the way people look and feel about you,

Even though you’re still the same you.

How you handle these things is actually what makes you a stronger person.

I can never hide who I am or change who I am.

This is me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and yes I trust willingly.

Who I am can never be compromised by circumstance.

I’ve learnt that leaving high school and growing up.

I can but only stand strong, be who God intended me to be and know that in the end all the different faces I come across even the ones I thought I recognize are not what defines me. I define me.

Be brave and never forget who you are.

Remember be gentle and kind to everyone you never know what could be going on.

Don’t change who you are.

Xxxx warm wishes

Fear of change

The word change itself is scary for me. I hate change. I love living in my own made bubble. Here you know what to expect, there’s no unpredictability. It’s safe and comfortable.

Some say this is when you should change. You should change jobs atleast every two years. Keep yourself stimulated and motivated. When you’re to comfortable you don’t grow within.

Yes as the above may be true I’m sure I’m among many who are just happy with the way things are. Happy to carry on each day doing your bit and meeting your daily goals. Happy with the best minimum. But this I’ve learnt is no way to stay. That putting yourself out there. Vulnerability is only going to overcome you if you allow it. Wear your heart on your sleeve, dong change who you are but remember where you started and why you changed the life you had with the one which is standing in front of you. Don’t go backwards only forwards.

What if life had a different story for you? Would you read it? Would you take the plunge and risk yourself by committing to change, even though it’s scares you senseless, some say this is apart of the adventure. Change is as good as a holiday. What if you’re not one to take risks, or holidays?

Well life has very quickly painted me a picture I’m not very familiar with. It makes me anxious and nervous but somewhere inside a little excited the future may be bright.

I’m writing a new chapter and taken the plunge to start something new. Sir Richard Branson once said;” If you get offered something you cannot refuse but do not know how to do it, take it and learn later”

So I guess I’ll be following that mans words of wisdom and put myself head to head with change.

Remembering where I’ve come from who is depending on me and the person I am, I’m believing this path the universe is making for me is the positive change I need. Trusting in the stars is a dicey one but having your loved ones support is all one needs.

Remembering the memories from the past will only make more memorable ones for the future.

Doing this, taking the leap and praying for a positive outcome.

Mabey change is something not to fear, but it’s the push we need.

Good luck to everyone our there who is facing change and remember we are our own worst enemy once we overcome ourselves the world is there for the taking.

Always warm wishes. Xx

Friends are important

As every Mommy needs time out away from her kids, even if it’s a 20 min hot bath they too need to have friends.

Other Mommy friends who can identify with you, support you and most of all to share experiences and gain advices from. Nothing better knowing you’re not alone and you’re not the only one loosing your shit at 17:00 suicide hour. Best of all it’s great to be needed for all those things too. Sometimes just merely a cup of coffee between friends is the only therapy one needs.

Growing with friends

Having that special friend, friends or group of friends is very important for a Mommy (or any girl for that matter) but having positive people in your life can truly be beneficial for you as a person or family.

I know growing up I had tons of “friends” who I would literally die for, but after leaving school our priorities changed, we changed and we grew up. Those friends who disappeared when you fell pregnant were they worth it, the friends who only stuck around when times were fruitful, were they worth it ? Or those who only chose to visit when it suited them, back then I’d do anything for my friends or those I thought were my friends. Were they worth it, I think not! The true test is LIFE. Those who stick around through life, good, bad, happy and sad those are true friends and let me tell you I only have a handful of genuine special people in my life that will forever be my friends. Gone are the days I’d “die” for the people I thought were my friends. Now with our daily lives and stresses we need to keep these good wholesome people close to us. I truly do believe the universe brings us together for a reason and I know no matter what we will stay friends for life.

I do thank my lucky stars I have people like this in my life as they are what motivates us to better in our own lives. Every special women I know and call my friend are amazing in every way and I sometimes don’t know how they hold it together yet SUPER moms and people they are. Doing things I only wished I had the guts to do. People that forever will keep the circle going around.

It’s important to form these networks as moms and in our later years as the more support you have the easier it is to climb the mountains of life. It’s also a lot more fun spending time with true genuine people than “fake” people who often creep into our lives.

This is a shout out to all those amazing women I know. I love you, I respect you and hold our friendship dear.

Thank you for being you !!

I only pray my children find the bonds I have found.

Best wishes xxx

Sibling love/rivalry

If you have a sibling or have two kiddies I’m sure you’ll share my sentiments. If you’re thinking of having another you will too.

From the day my tummy started growing with my second my son was involved. Although he never came to any scans we prepared him early on for the new addition. We involved him in all our thought processes and as soon as we knew the sex we told him. I felt this was the best way for him to expect what was coming. A little sister is what he was getting. Although 2,5 years of being the only child was coming to an end and big changes were upon us all we tried to prepare him as much as we could.

The day they met

Coming home from the hospital had me nervous and sad all at the same time. How was I going to split my time and love. I was so used to only having that special time for him and I. Well from the minute he saw her he was besotted. I remember the first time he held her so gentle and so carefully. He was still just a baby himself. Although things changed a lot and our time together was less he adapted so so well. Obviously dad started to play a more important role as mom was busy with baby but really did the world of good. I got him to help in every way possible and tried the best I could to involve him with the tasks that involved his little sister.

The wobble

As they grew older together a beautiful relationship formed something every Mommy wishes to see. My son now had his purpose he was now responsible too for this little person. Teaching her everything he knew, and her trying everything he did too. I never noticed that he got jealous but around 6/7 months he hit a little wobble. Baby was getting cuter she was getting a personality and quickly there was tons of attention on her. I could see he took strain. Only way to help him overcome this feeling of envy that he didn’t understand, was to always compliment him for being the great big brother he was and is. Praising him for teaching her all the cool things she had learnt. This quickly passed and we were onto a new phase of having two.

Finding a best friend

Watching them grow together has been the most rewarding thing ever. I really have been blessed to have two children who absolutely adore each other. From the time she could walk and talk my son and my daughter played hours and hours together. The best present we could have ever gave given my son. A friend that never left, one who slept over every night and one who looked up to him no matter what. Although I know they will never be as close as two sisters or as close as two brothers as their interests and commonality will change as they get older I definitely feel they will be best friends for life.

Watching them start school together made me a very proud mamma. How my eldest took the reigns and looked after his sister so well. These two years were the best and they got along great.

New chapter

So big school approached for my eldest and being on her own was a reality for my youngest. Thinking the new change of big school was going to be where we faced challenges it was my youngest who struggled. She longed for her brother his friendship and his company. Never actually realizing my eldest did it all by himself we just thought our youngest would cope. Eventually starting to make her own friends and adapting to her day without her brother things got better. He was finding his feet without her and her without him, as it would still be two years before they were back in school together again.

Yes they missed each other during the day. Thinking they would thrive with the time they had together in the afternoons, but of course like any siblings rivalry become more evident now.

Being the referee

I really hope I’m not the only one but these two can fight. Yes they love each other but the older they’ve become they can fight like cat and dog too. Trying to be fair to both sides and not playing to my youngest ones needs all the time it’s hard being stuck in the middle. One will touch something the other one has not played with in like months and swear it’s World War Two. Being fair has helped put out many disputes but we all still learning one day at a time.

3’s a crowd

So before when I played with either of them it was only Mommy this Mommy that. One thing about having two is that they out number you. Atleast when they did it they did it together. So when one was being difficult of course the other one followed. Heave, ho this Mommy thing is difficult at times especially when both are ganging up on you. My best bet was to get my eldest to co operate as he understands and very soon the little one would follow.

Two is best

So although two is a game changer in any household and the second one really comes with a bang, I’d have it no other way. To watch their relationship grow and the fact they have each other no matter what is priceless. There never goes a day if one is not around the other doesn’t ask for their sibling. Now that they are getting older things are getting easier. If not that we are learning to cope better. I know things will soon change again as we enter their teens and so on but I’ll cross that bridge when we get there. For now I’m loving every moment of both their different personalities and encouraging and strengthening their bond. As one day when I’m not able to be around no more there will be nothing better to settle my soul to know my children have each other’s backs no matter what. I pray they’re able to keep this bond for a lifetime and stay close through all their phases of life.

As these memories will last with them forever and make them the adults they are going to be.

I can only pray that their bond strengthens throughout the years and come other friendships and families that they stay connected for life. So if you’re thinking about having another I’d strongly recommend it. There’s nothing better than a sibling ❤️

Warm wishes xxx

Living with fear

So with all the crazy things that are happening around the world and even more so in our own country it’s very difficult to feel safe and positive that things will change.

Before I was a mom, these things I never worried about. We never thought stories we heard could be true, or that something sinister could be behind them. I’m sure we’ve all got a story of how we’ve gotten lost when we were younger, or running around in panic looking for a sibling who wondered off. The thought of this happening today is scary. Your lost sibling is probably the effect of something more sinister.

Things we only saw in movies, or heard from distant countries are now happening right before our eyes.

Among all the worries a parent had these days this specific topic has my heart racing and my anxiety at its worst. Yes we shouldn’t believe all we see on social media and the news but let’s be honest there is some truth to what we see and panic can be instilled in a second.

So the worries I once had of “I hope my children get through school ok”

“I hope we can provide for them”

“I pray their hearts are never broken”

“I only wish they never get hurt or break a bone”

Or “I hope they are someone someday”

These worries have all been clouded over by “I pray my children will never be taken from me”

Yes we moms are paranoid but now there is reason to be. Children are being kidnapped, not just babies, but just toddlers, not just teenagers or just adults every age, size, shape and colour.

I don’t know about other moms but with the normal fears we live with in South Africa the normal violent crime we face everyday we now need to be petrified someone will try and take our children.

Running through the mall with my 3 year old daughter has never been more daunting, with her happy smiling face and skipping legs how things could change in a second.

From appreciating every moment we have together with her being a toddler I feel myself wishing she was an adult and could understand these dangers. I find myself I wreck just going to the shops. Making sure she’s close on me holding onto her tightly, making sure she’s aware of the danger that could happen any moment. I find myself trying to instill as much fear as I can so she has the fear of never running off or going with a stranger.

This I know is no way to live, and people will say if you choose to live like this you’re sabotaging yourself, but how can another mom not feel this fear when you watch on tv a mom pleading for her son to come home,

I loved my little bubble I once lived in,

I know the only thing to do is be prepared,

Be vigilant like everyone says watch your children,

We do! I may have let them play far from me now I feel like I’m ripping every independent step I’ve ever taught them watching them like a hawk.

I feel importantly that us as South Africans and moms all over do owe it to our children and ourselves to be educated and prepared in this manner. As the world starts heading into hard times and crime is at its highest we need to know we’ve taken steps to trying to keep ourselves as well as our loved ones safe.

I’ve been in a restaurant where I’ve picked up a child who has wondered from their mom crying taken them all over and find the parents having a great time not even knowing that their child has gone. Yes it’s happened to me so I am not judging but with us all being a little more aware of our precious ones where abouts may just save a little life, this is highly important right now.

Many will leave to seek a safer place to live but the reality for many of us is there is no where to go. This is our home and I only pray that things will turn around.

The fear of going to sleep and wondering if tom with our children will still be. It kills me and although we shouldn’t live like this it’s a reality for me as a mom. I honestly don’t know how I will cope in their teenage years being able to trust others with them or even trust the places they go. I guess every step is a new learning curve and yes we cannot stop the inevitable but we can try prevent it.

I now have bought myself a taser for the car as even just stopping at the robot in broad daylight has become a time of panic for some.

As long as their is poverty there will be crime. I pray in the future us as South Africans can stand together and fight this. We can only pray for our children’s safety and be prepared when the unthinkable happens.

Mabey living in fear is what keeps us safe as our guard is always up.

Stay safe and be aware. Be vigilant and educate our children of the dangers that lay before them. Report things you see, share missing children’s posts. More than anything build a relationship with your children that they tell you everything even in their not talking teen years. There is so many scary harsh realities out there but I do not want to be a statistic. Make sure you are not either.

Warm wishes xxx